capture my heart again

I told myself that this blog was going to be my escape and for me to be nothing but 100 % real. I want to find myself lost between my fingers typing during a vent session until the lord takes over and starts typing for me. I plan on him changing my perception of how I am going to begin this blog by the end.   

I am going to start this off with a question, What do you do when God allows you to be in a situation and now it seems more than you can handle?

I'm not going to lie, I am struggling and I feel a bit lost. Not in the way of loosing my faith but I feel blinded from the enemy. I must admit my eyes have been set on the world and seeking happiness from everything but the lord's love. That has gotten me in a huge mess and now I am feeling bitter but that's mostly a cover up for the heart break crying out underneath. The lord is stopping or should i say "postponing" what will be the happiest day of my life. I want to blame this on other people, I want to scream, I want the confrontations that continue coming my way to simply GO away, and I want to make up every excuse that doesn't involve this being my fault. Prideful and selfish, I know but I told you that I am going to be real. Am I the only one who has ever experienced God being quiet after the route in life has changed? I am waiting on answers, explanations... but all I hear is the thump of my heart and the echoing sound of silence. And lets be real, its one thing when you're on a mountain top to say "God's timing is best" but the real test of faith is when you look down at your knees at the bottom of the valley and realize God is all you have left. 

So I sit here with warm, salty tears strolling down my swollen cheeks while taking in a deep breath and it hits me. It finally hits me!! Even though God is all I have left, he is ALL I need. I suppose I am learning that God has to prove who he is by proving who i am not. One of what "I am not" is in control and when my focus on the Lords path is distracted he comes through and makes his way KNOWN. So of course that has involved a few consequences that I've been stubborn to let go of.

This is crazy, I am listening to a message on TV and Pastor Jonathon McKnight just said "Sometimes God gets quiet to see if we believe he actually will speak, instead of expecting him to do it on our own terms." Wow, was that not what I needed to hear or what???!!!!!!!! 

So back to my original question, What do you do when God allows you to be in a situation and now it seems to be more than you can handle? Or how about when God says I will never leave you, but you start to feel lonely? The steps we all have to take is to face the problem and as for me I need to get out of denial, fear the Lord, have faith, pronounce that in an impossible situation the God of all possibles WILL come through, and then praise him like he is a God of OUR IMPOSSIBLES.

It is possible for me to find peace and understanding and it is possible to rekindle broken relationships with my family.

If anybody is struggling my biggest tip to you is to listen to Godly advice from Godly people who care for you. This is something I am convicted of and still learning to take, its hard for me to listen when I am in distressed and I am sure I have missed some Godly wisdom by being focused on my pain.

"You can hide all my fears, God, you can hide all my sins, you can hide all my weaknesses, I know you're with me until the very end. Dont give up, dont let go, dont loose trust, dont loose hope. "

As bright as i can shine, I'll shine on

If only you knew how many introduction paragraphs I just typed and erased because I want my first post to make an impact to of course leave you with wanting to read another. Hopefully I won't be writing to myself every time words race through my mind to blog. 

 I guess what I've decided to share first is from the sermon tonight at church. A simple verse made me in awe but thats just an understatement of my Fathers living word considering it's the book of life. Mark 7:24b says "He entered a house and did not want anyone to know it; yet he could not keep his presence a secret." 

I kept reflecting over "yet he could not keep his presence a secret." Jesus can NOT be hidden so while he is living inside of me it should be impossible for his presence to not be with and to flow from me. I'm short of 20 years old and I'm a servant of this all-present lover of my life and maker of all. I've followed him into the hills of Rwanda with the echoing sound in the back ground of children chanting and their feet stomping with dancing. I've followed him as I rode on top of an elephant through Thailand and slept in a tree house over looking the mountains. At night the stars came alive and testings of faith came alive during the day. I'm back in Phenix city, Alabama now and it's a town that everyone says they hate but no seems to leave. The comfort zone of America had been my difficult season of serving Him I must admit. A broken heart and a few distractions made it easy for the devil to blind and bondage me but my God knocked me down to my knees because of his grace. In doubting his love is always hope, in hurting his love is always healing, in distress his love is always still. His presence that fills me never goes unnoticed and all I want is to be is his vessel. 

Lately I've been challenging my self to start praying for the things that I've stopped praying for. When I was in Africa and Thailand the miracles I saw daily would seem unreal to people here. Our faith is so weak when all God asked was for it to be of a mustard seed. A revival is what I'm praying for over this nothing to do city. I already feel the fire burning but the more logs the bigger the fire. So heres to this journey called life and though our lives our just a candle in the wind I guess all that really mattered is that the darkness is attracted to light and where there is light there is no more darkness. And where there is Jesus his presence can not be kept a secret. So as bright as I can shine, I'll shine on.